daze

typing w/ left hand whilst nursing baby on right. i want to blog more, get the birth story down, but i have no chance. not exaggerating.

callan cries. a lot. and he spits up. a lot. sometimes it seems like that’s all he does: cry and spit. he’s rarely happy, and it’s so challenging. could use prayers. newborns are a lot of work, and this is no huge surprise. but he’s my fourth “difficult” newborn in a row, and i have to wonder what i do wrong to get four this way.

i know it won’t last forever. it just feels like it.

i’m hanging in there, and staying above water most of the time. i adore this baby, and my kids are all great. this is not my time to have it all together, so i’m trying to remember that daily. i have trouble letting it all go and embracing the chaos for the time being.

many of you ask how i do it all, or comment that i seem to have it all together. i don’t. i’m sorry if i give that impression. i’m just a girl who needs grace, just like many of you. i go through seasons, and this current one is proof that i can’t do it all. blogs can be deceiving; we only blog about things that we choose. usually happy things. i decided to plink out this post, one-handed, because it’s the truth. i need prayer and am not perfect.

The Weekend, and The Week Ahead

Friday (1/29/10) was a very exciting day around here. Here’s why:

1. Maya got her first pair of glasses! She looks so beautiful, and so old! She really, really likes them. For the first time, she can see things like signs and screens at church. Pictures to come.
2. Jason accidentally squirted a bunch of Dr. Bronner’s Baby Mild soap into Asher’s eye, beginning hours of pain, suffering, and screaming by Asher. It was a horrible night. Thanks to an optometrist cousin in the family, everything seemed all better by morning.

Saturday (1/30/10) was also very exciting. Here’s why:

1. It was the first FUSE service (the new contemporary service that Jason’s helping to lead at our church). Attendance was good, and God was worshipped. Pray for Him to be honored as the service evolves. (For more info on the service, search for the FUSE service on Facebook. Or just ask me!)
2. Unfortunately, I was not at the first service, because Asher woke up that morning (just hours after his eye trauma) with a fever of 104. He then threw up. His fever was still 104 that evening, and finally broke yesterday (Sunday) afternoon.

This week is going to be exciting. Here’s why:

1. We started back with a full school schedule. The past two weeks have involved school, but we’ve been ramping up. I did everything today, and it was mildly successful.
2. Unfortunately, Callan has become increasingly congested, and it became apparent by this morning that he has some sort of virus. PLEASE JOIN ME IN PRAYING THAT IT’S NOT RSV, or that if it is RSV, it’s mercifully short and hospital-free. He is the same age as Ellery was when she contracted RSV (three weeks old) and was hospitalized for four days. We came close to losing her, and she is still experiencing repercussions from having had RSV so young. As much as I’m trying to be calm and peaceful about this, I’m very scared.
3. We still don’t know if anyone else caught the flu bug that took Asher down this weekend. So it could be that everyone gets the flu before the week’s up.
4. I’m somewhat overwhelmed by the newness of parenting four children with various illnesses, homeschooling, managing the home, etc. I’m miserably behind in important things (like seed orders/gardening, laundry, cooking, cleaning) and generally tired and irritable. I love my kids, and I know I’ll figure it all out in time, but this week seems insurmountable. My husband, who is currently working three jobs, can’t help as much as he would like.

Could  use your thoughts and prayers. If I could just get rid of this headache, at least for this moment, I think I’ll be alright.

For Val

It fits perfectly. He is 11 days old in the first three pictures, and 18 days old in the fourth. Thank you so much, Val. We love it!

(For you knitters – it’s the Baby Surprise Jacket by Elizabeth Zimmerman, knit up in Socks that Rock in Blue Brick Wall.)

Quick Update

Just popping in to say hi! Callan is doing great, and I’m enjoying my babymoon. (He’s eight days old already!) My mother-in-law left yesterday; she arrived minutes after he was born, and stayed the whole week! She is wonderful. I haven’t cooked a meal or washed a dish. My mom and dad came yesterday afternoon and will be here until tomorrow afternoon.

Then, I’m on my own.

School starts back up tomorrow. Pray for me to be able to juggle it all. I was smart and only scheduled one subject this first week; everything else picks back up next week. These kids, I love them so much, and I don’t want to fail them. Hoping I can balance it all again, in time – household management, school, meals, church, parenting, marriage…

This new little guy is so precious. He’s gorgeous, and tiny. For the moment…he’ll be a giant before we know it! Have to enjoy it while we can. He still smells new.

Need to place seed orders already. I’m both excited and overwhelmed; too much going on for this emotional post partum mama!

Still processing Callan’s birth story. It was really, really hard. Almost devastatingly so. I need to type it out, but sometimes I’m not sure what to say, except that I feel like my body almost failed me.

Pictures of Callan

A few pics to tide you over. Click on any image to see it bigger.

40 weeks pregnant and more than ready:

Callan North, minutes old:

Just weighed (8 lbs., 3.5 oz.):

Exercising his lungs:

Proud big sister Ellery:

Proud big sister Maya:

Proud big brother Asher (who waited a day before deciding to hold him):

Over Grandma’s shoulder (this one is to showcase the blond hair):

He has such a strong neck – he won’t rest his head on your shoulder if he’s awake! (Can you see the blue eyes?)

Prayers for Callan

Callan was less than 12 hours old when he had difficulty breathing and turned blue. It happened twice in two hours, and the second episode was longer than I was able to handle comfortably. So Jason and I made the difficult decision to bring him into the ER last night. They admitted him onto the pediatric floor for observation, and we were there from around 3 a.m. until 1 p.m. Now we are home.

In the end, there is no clear reason why he is choking. His lungs are clear, his blood tests were fine, and hours on an apnea monitor revealed no problems. He just has extra fluid, perhaps from a quick passage through the birth canal (labor was long, but the pushing phase was very short) and being born in his bag of waters. He chokes on it and can’t breathe, sometimes for uncomfortably long seconds, and it worries me. But we are praying that it gets better as he goes through his first few days.

Please join me in praying that this stops soon. It often happens when I’m changing his diaper, which is not something I can avoid doing.

He’s Here!

After nearly 18 hours of labor, Callan North made his grand entrance at 9:22 a.m. He weighs 8 lbs. 3.5 oz., is 21″ long, had a 14 3/8″ head, and has blond hair!

We are so thankful to God for our new son. Stay tuned for details and pictures.

The Wee Hours

It’s close to 4:30 a.m. now, and I’ve been laboring all night. Contractions are 2 – 4 minutes apart consistently. The midwife around in the two o’clock hour, and now she’s sleeping on the couch while I continue to labor. A couple hours ago, my cervix was “paper thin,” but I was still only dilated to five. Baby’s head was still rather high, though not has high as before. Lots of goop and such.

Contractions are getting harder. I’ve never had a labor like this, so I have no idea what to expect. I’m typing in between contractions here. This kid has his own mind, his own gestation, his own labor. He is making himself known. I would like to hold him before dawn. Praying for just such a thing.

A Little Progress

Since the midwife stretched my cervix before lunch, things have been going on. I timed light contractions (crampy, down low, like labor, not Braxton Hicks) every 8- 10 minutes from around 3:30 – 6:30. From then, they’ve been sporadic; sometimes 3-4 minutes apart, but sometimes taking 20-30 minute breaks before coming back for another stretch of regularity.

They were most regular when we were busy, trying to decide whether or not to take Ellery to her first ballet class at 4:45 p.m. She has been looking forward to this for months, and I couldn’t stand to break her heart. But neither did I want to drive her alone and risk have a baby at the YMCA, or send Jason off and have a baby alone at home with Maya and Asher. (I’m usually that fast, remember.) So we decided we’d all go, drop Ellery off, and grab dinner. So that way, whether I had the baby in the car or made it home, I wouldn’t be alone, and I wouldn’t have to drive. The contractions stayed regular the entire time, through dinner, until we came home. Then they got irregular.

Jason and I just watched Bridget Jones’ Diary (thanks to Netflix instant watching feature) to pass the time and see how things went. Nothing new, just contractions now and then. In fact, I’m having one right now…

…okay, done. Lots of bloody show tonight, but that’s probably a combo of cervix dilating and the vaginal exam earlier.

Perhaps I’ll get a more normal length labor this time, and it will be a few hours before things pick up. Honestly, after two lickety-split hard-and-fast labors, this is such a relief. I can handle this. But I also have to decide when it’s the real deal so I can call the midwife. This could also just be my body getting ready, and it could be a another day or two (or more). I’m really okay with that, though of course I’m disappointed that he’s not here yet. After the last few weeks, I’ve learned not to get my hopes up too high.

I wonder if this is what early labor is like? I’ve never had early labor, in the traditional sense. I feel like I’m doing this for the first time.

40 Weeks, 1 Day – A Midwife Visit

Our midwife just left. The snow has stopped and the roads were cleared, so she decided to make her trip into town after all. I’m 4 cm, 75% effaced, -2 station. No bulgy bag of waters or anything. She stretched me a little and did a little sweeping, so we’ll see. I feel like you might expect after such an exam – crampy, uncomfortable. She left me with an herbal labor enhancer that contains blue cohosh, with instructions for use, and I decided to go ahead and try a little. Tasted awful.

I guess we’ll see. She said the baby’s in a great position, and she expects to hear from me soon. I’m not getting my hopes up.